Oneitis is one of the most important topics we can discuss. One of the most important blog posts I ever made here was on this topic. There is still some confusion out there about what oneitis is and is not.
Here’s a common statement I see men use occasionally:
I have oneitis! I think about this girl all the time! We’re not monogamous, I only see her once a week and never initiate contact, but man, I think about her every night! What can I do about this oneitis? I feel like a pussy!
You don’t have oneitis.
The reason is simple: Oneitis is a set of actions, not a feeling.
If your actions are all in check, but you’re still thinking about her all the time, that’s not oneitis. That could be infatuation, NRE, lust, or several other things, but it’s not oneitis.
Really desiring a particular woman is perfectly fine. I have those feelings all the time. What’s not fine is losing your frame and compromising your masculinity and freedom by “going beta” and acting in certain ways. Emphasis on the word acting, which means you are taking actions, not feeling a certain way.
You start dating a new woman as a WD or MLTR. You follow all the usual effective open/poly relationship rules. You don’t bring up the relationship and don’t discuss monogamy. You never demonstrate irritation or jealousy if/when she talks about other guys. You don’t spend very much money on her. You make her cum every time you have sex. You only see her once a week. You keep contact to a minimum. Most importantly, you keep having sex with other women. Et cetera.
Let’s also say that you’re constantly thinking about this girl 24/7 and can’t keep her out of your mind. You go to sleep thinking about her. You sometimes find yourself bringing up a picture of her on your phone or computer just to look at it and smile. You get really excited when you see her name on your schedule for tomorrow night. After she leaves, you kinda miss her a little bit. You totally dig her.
You don’t have oneitis. You just really like her. Liking someone is good. Acting like a beta is not. You’re simply feeling happy feelings. That’s good. Happiness is what life is all about. You’re also not taking action on these feelings to betaize or emasculate yourself.
It’s all good. You don’t have oneitis. Relax. You’re doing everything right.
Now let’s switch things up a little. Take another guy with the exact same situation as the above, only this guy texts the girl every day. He also stalks her Facebook page and eagerly reads everything she posts and everything anyone else posts on her page. When she talks about her ex-boyfriend on a date, he gets pissed off and tells her to stop talking about that. He brings up topics like if they were to “move in together eventually.” He stops having sex with other women (and when Blackdragon asks him why, he gets angry and defensive and says “Because I don’t want to!”). He starts seeing her more than once a week. Et cetera.
This guy has oneitis. He’s in big, big trouble. He’s in for drama and/or betaization down the road. Maybe he’s a beta and doesn’t mind betaization, or maybe he’s an Alpha Male 1.0 and doesn’t mind the drama or kind of likes it, but that’s irrelevant to the point: he has oneitis.
Unlike the first guy, this guy not only thinks about the girl all the time, but is also engaging in a set of actions indicative of hardcore oneitis and guaranteed to cause trouble down the road. That’s the difference, and really the only difference. The first guy is experiencing emotions. The second guy is taking action.
The Difference Between Oneitis and NRE
I’ve mentioned before that have never had oneitis since my evolution to Alpha 2.0 about seven years ago. (Prior to that, as a beta, I had oneitis several times, and it sucked every time. I actually spent three of my four years in high school with serious oneitis for a girl who didn’t like me at all. Man, that was brutal.)
I have also said that I experience NRE all the time and it’s great.
So wait a minute…how can one be in NRE without having oneitis?
As above, you simply experience all of the positive feelings of NRE while not engaging in any of the actions of oneitis.
Many years ago (around 2008) I had hardcore NRE for a woman and later fell in love with her. The feelings of love I had for this women were the strongest I had ever felt. Yet, throughout the entire time, I never once promised her monogamy (or asked her for it), never once spent any serious money on her, never started contacting her often, never talked about “the relationship”, and never did anything the typical lovestruck beta or Alpha 1.0 would normally do. All I did was tell her I loved her, which was true, but I kept following all the usual MLTR rules to a T (as well as I had them structured way back then; I was still largely in learning mode at that time).
This was a huge stepping stone for me and one of the greatest victories of my life. I had proven to myself that I could have powerful and extreme emotions for a woman while still not losing my frame, my balls, or my Mission. It felt like I had acquired some kind of super power, and indeed I had.
Since 2007 I have felt NRE with various women, probably around 12 times or so, and it was absolutely fantastic every time, but never once have I gotten oneitis. Never once did I allow the wonderful endorphins to make me sacrifice my freedom or masculinity (like a beta would) nor get me into territorial-mode and start getting jealous or domineering (and thus full of drama) like an Alpha 1.0 would.
I have NRE for someone relatively new right now, even as I type these words. It feels wonderful. But I still won’t get oneitis for this person, even if she’s Not Like The Rest™. As always, she’ll have to follow the MLTR program for at least 6-12 months, and if after that she’s still around and still not giving me any drama, I may convert her to OLTR. She may LSNFTE me well before then, and that’s fine. If she sticks around but gives me any crap whatsoever, she’ll be instantly soft nexted and I’ll go have sex with another one of the women I’m seeing until she calms down. If she really causes me trouble, she’ll be downgraded to FB or hard nexted, and my sex life and Mission continues.
In other words, the NRE, as powerful and wonderful as it is, will not modify any of my actions. It will not cause me to go monogamous, nor turn into a pussy, nor get me territorial and jealous and piss me off. The NRE will not become oneitis. It’s all good without any of the bad.
I promise that when you get to the point where you can feel powerful NRE or even love for a woman and still not get oneitis, a whole new life will open up for you.