One of the reasons men fear trying open relationships is they worry about what to say when the woman they’re dating asks the hard questions. One of the reasons I wrote a free ebook about how to answer the “Are you still sleeping with other women?” question was to help men allay those fears.
But that’s an entire ebook (albeit a short one), and there are many other questions you can get. Today I’ll list all (or at least most) the possible questions you may get during the first three to five months of a new nonmonogamous relationship.
A quick review to put this all in the proper context. The relationship structure I talk about, and have done successfully many times over many years (as have many other men) is to follow this sequence:
1. Start dating a woman.
2. Never bring up monogamy or exclusivity.
3. Keep dating other women and don’t hide this.
4. Don’t act like a “boyfriend”.
5. Do not discuss “the relationship”, and avoid the topic of monogamy/exclusivity if she brings it up, and do this for at least three months, preferably five months or more.
6. Finally have “The Talk” about your nonmonogamous status three to five months in when she really demands answers.
Today’s article is to help you manage item number five. However, it’s very important to understand that the answers to the following questions will only help you if you are following the above sequence. They will not help you if you’ve done things wrong, such as:
- Promise monogamy and then get caught cheating.
- Stayed nonmonogamous but acted like a boyfriend with her. (Fancy dates, buying gifts, texting her all the time, introducing her to your family, etc.)
- Spent too much time with her (more than once a week during the first three to five months).
- Throw the fact that you’re having sex with other women in her face (i.e. telling her all about it, or plastering it all over your Facebook page, etc).
So remember, the answers I’m about to give you are not magic bullets. If you screwed other things up such as the items above, they won’t help it all. It will only help if you’re doing everything else more or less correctly. (For more details on how to create and structure these kinds of relationships, go right here.)
I’m also going to repeat one of my cardinal rules. Do not lie to women. Lying to women is what monogamous men do. Lying is for beta males and Alpha Male 1.0s. You should be better than that. Refusing to answer questions is fine. Dodging questions is also fine. Giving silly, sarcastic answers is also fine. None of those things are lying. Trust me, when a woman asks you if you’re still fucking other women and you refuse to answer the question, she knows the answer you’re telling her is “yes”. Women aren’t stupid.
My point here is don’t tell a woman you’re not having sex with other women if you are. Don’t tell women you love them if you don’t. Don’t tell women you want a serious relationship if you really don’t. Dodge, avoid, refuse, stay silent…but don’t lie.
Lastly, some answers are going to be different based on if the woman is an FB, MLTR, or candidate for OLTR. (A actual OLTR will never ask you these questions, because you’ve already explained everything and made commitments.) If you are unclear on these terms, refer to the glossary before continuing.
Alrightee, given the parameters above, here are the questions you are likely to encounter during the first three to five months of your new poly or open relationship, and some ways to answer them. What you say is in quotes ” “, other actions and my comments are within pointy brackets < >.
“What am I to you?”
FB: “You’re my good friend, and I value our relationship.” <smile warmly and rub her back>
MLTR or OLTR Candidate: <take her close, hold her close> “You’re a very important person in my life. You’re very special to me.”
“What is this to you?”
FB: <give her a strange look> “That’s a very odd question.” <change subject>
MLTR or OLTR Candidate: <give her a strange look> “We’re dating. And no, I’m not having a soap-opera discussion about our ‘relationship’ so let’s not go there.”
“Where do you see this going?”
FB: <You should never get this kind of question from an FB. If you do, that means you have completely screwed up your EFA and have either been dishonest with her (bad) or extremely incongruent with her (also bad). FBs know where the relationship is “going”, which is nowhere except more friend-with-benefits sex.>
MLTR: “I see it going. And going and going and going…forever and ever….” <big silly sarcastic smile, change subject>
OLTR Candidate: “I see you and I together for a very long time. But I’ve been burned before so you need to give me a little time, okay? Let’s revisit this later.” <change subject>
“So are we, like, dating?”
FB: “You’re my friend, and I value our relationship.” <smile warmly and rub her back>
MLTR or OLTR Candidate: <strange look> “Yeah. Duh.” <change subject>
“I want to be your girlfriend.”
FB: “I care about you a lot, and I value the time we spend together, but that’s not how I see us.” <Then be prepared for a next or LSFNTE from her. I will repeat again that if you’re doing everything correctly, it’s unlikely you’ll get a statement like this from an FB.>
MLTR: “I care about you a lot…I just don’t like that term. It always causes drama and I don’t do that.” <change subject>
OLTR Candidate if sooner than three months: <nod slowly, make good eye contact> “Give me a little more time, okay?” <hold her close, then change subject>
OLTR Candidate if between three and six months: <Have The Talk, what the open relationships ebook refers to as the Verbalization Point. (No, I will not describe The Talk in this article. That’s a completely different topic.)>
OLTR Candidate if after six months and everything’s been great: Go ahead and make her your girlfriend (full OLTR status) and set your ground rules as couple. Just make damn sure she understands you’re still allowed to discreetly get some on the side within those rules. Do not go monogamous, and instantly soft next her if she issues any ultimatums.
“Are you still having sex with other women?”
Refer to my free ebook for that particular question.
“I know you’re still seeing other women.” or “I know you’re still fucking other girls.”
As you can see, this is not a question, but a challenge, often issued in a crass or snide way. Just smile and don’t say anything. Say nothing or change the subject. If she pushes you just say, “I’m not discussing that.”
“Do you want a serious relationship?”
Since we’re not going to lie to women, this answer depends on if you really do want a serious relationship or not. So I’ve included two sets of answers; one if you do, one if you don’t.
FB if you don’t: <smile> “I just do my own thing.”
MLTR if you don’t: “I like what we have.”
OLTR Candidate if you don’t: <You won’t have an OLTR Candidate if you don’t want a serious relationship (because that’s exactly what an OLTR is).>
FB if you do: <smile> “I just do my own thing.”
MLTR if you do: <shrug> “Sure. Someday. But I’m not discussing this today.”
OLTR Candidate if you do: “Oh yes. Very much so. But I really don’t want to talk about this right now, okay?” <touch her face, kiss her, then change subject>
Don’t Have A Discussion!
You may notice that “changing the subject” is a common move. You’re damn right it is. Your primary, number one goal when you get a question like this is to NOT get into a discussion about the relationship. If you get into a discussion, YOU LOSE.
Any discussion about the relationship must only happen on your timetable when you’ve had time to prepare and you know exactly what you’re going to do or say. Men constantly screw up by getting into relationship discussions when a woman corners them, and these guys always, and I mean always damage the relationship when this happens.
I’ll say it again: Relationship discussions only occur on your timetable, not hers. You must have the balls to adamantly refuse to get into any relationship discussions with her if you value the relationship. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s the truth.
The only valid relationship discussion to ever have is:
1. The Talk, that occurs three to five months in (or longer!) where you actually verbalize what she already knows (because you’ve been demonstrating it), which is that you will never be monogamous, but might be willing to pursue something serious if she’s an MLTR or OLTR candidate.
2. When you upgrade a woman to OLTR, where you lay out ground rules and make promises. Obviously the vast majority of women you date will never get this talk.
Other than those two exceptions that happen when YOU choose to have them, NO RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSIONS! Especially not when she happens to throw a tricky question at you.
If she throws one of those questions at you, relax, answer her question, change the subject, and if she challenges you, man-up and tell her you’re not discussing it right now. And by the way, the more women you’re seeing besides her, the easier this is to do. Don’t forget that.