There’s a web site out there called Victoria Milan which, like Ashley Madison, is a dating site for married people who want to cheat. They recently did a survey of 4000 of their members, and the results were interesting. You can read more about the survey here and here, but I will summarize the key points below.
Before we get into the minutia, I will repeat the core, underlying reason why people cheat in long-term monogamous relationships. It’s because human beings, men and women both, were never designed for long-term monogamy past about three years. Deep down in the bowels of their subconscious, people really don’t want long-term monogamy, and if you study history it’s clear they’ve never wanted it. Short-term monogamy, yes. But 10+ years of only having sex with the same person, no.
Oh, they want to want it, they sometimes bullshit themselves into thinking they want it, they feel it’s the right thing to do, but in the end, people under the age of 60 really don’t want it. Not deep down.
That being said, cheating is bad. Cheating is lying, and you cannot live a happy life if lying is a requirement of it. Cheating is also drama, and drama destroys happiness. I am 100% against cheating, and constantly advise men against it. I have never cheated on any woman in my entire life, and I never will.
That’s because I’m not dumb enough or dishonest enough to promise anyone monogamy in the first place. I will always be getting something on the side, and every woman knows this, and they are welcome to leave me if they don’t like it (and go get a man who will cheat on them). It’s a very nice system I strongly recommend.
But hey, you’ve heard me say these things many times before and we don’t need to get into all that again. This survey shows some more detail about the surface-level reasons why people cheat, and who they tend to cheat with. Here are the findings:
1. Only 30 percent of cheating men are cheating with women younger than their partners.
How often do men who date younger women get the vitriol from older women?
“All you want is some young dumb hottie! All you care about is LOOKS!!! Shallow asshole!”
Wrongo. Men date, and have sex with, women who are nice, not necessarily women who are hot. Unmarried men who date younger women date them because they avoid the anger, bitchiness, and jaded aspects of women over 33. Married men who cheat are clearly going after women who are simply nicer than their bitchy, bored, sexually frigid, post-three-year-mark wives.
In both cases, looks is not a primary factor. It’s one of those simple-but-hard-to-admit realities of modern life that men simply want to be with women who are nice to them. This survey shows 70% of men who cheat are having sex with women as old or order than their wives(!). This means cheating men are looking for something far beyond just a pretty face.
I don’t want to oversimplify this; of course there are other factors at play as well. Most married men are beta males, and don’t have the confidence or ability to go after hotties much younger than them. Also, married men typically hang around people in their own age group, which means these women are more accessible.
But still, even with these factors…70%…c’mon…that says something about the type of woman a man wants.
2. Only 26 percent of cheating men said their mistresses are more interesting than their partners.
So not only is it not about looks, it’s also not about intelligence or depth. Again, it’s about men seeking women who are nice to them and show interest in them. And of course, women who will fuck them, since the vast majority of men who have been married longer than three years aren’t getting sex with the frequency their biology demands.
3. Only 25 percent of cheating men said their mistresses are in better physical shape than their partners.
Yet again, not about looks.
Remember how shocked people were when Hugh Grant cheated on his super hot, perfect 10 wife (Elizabeth Hurley) with a fat, ugly prostitute? Or when Arnold knocked up his butt-ugly nanny while he was married to his hot, fit, intelligent, classy Kennedy wife?
I’ve seen this exact same scenario play out over and over again with people I personally know, and you probably have too…men cheating on their wives or girlfriends with women who were fatter and/or uglier. When these men get caught (and men always eventually get caught when they cheat…men suck at keeping sexual secrets), their pretty wives and girlfriends are bewildered as to why. The fact that they give their husbands a bunch of excuses whenever they want to have sex completely escapes them as one of the possible reasons.
More of the same. When men cheat, it’s not about looks.
4. Over 60 percent of cheating women said their side-men are better looking than their partners, and 50 percent said their side-men were in better shape.
Whoa! So now we switch over to cheating women, and everything reverses! Women are indeed going after men who are better looking then their husbands. But wait a minute! I thought men were the shallow horndogs and women were all into romance and depth and seeing past a person’s looks and stuff?
It’s no secret I have had sex with a few married women in my day. Not many, and I don’t make a habit out of it (because married women are drama and I don’t do drama), but I have to admit there’s been a small handful over the years. I thought back to these women as I read these survey results. Indeed, in all the cases except for one, I was clearly better looking and in better shape than the husband. Even in the one case where I wasn’t, she was already separated from her husband.
So my limited personal experience does indeed match the survey. When a woman cheats, she wants a dude who looks better than the boring schlub she married. Very unlike her husband when he cheats.
5. 89.6 percent of cheating women indicated that the man they’re cheating with makes them feel more appreciated than their partner.
This should be no surprise. It’s not just about looks of course. I have said many times that the greatest thing a woman wants from a man is attention. More than love, more than security, more than sex, the woman in your life wants your attention.
If, in a long boring monogamous relationship, a man drops off his attention, she’ll either divorce him or she’ll cheat on him with a better looking guy to get that attention she craves. (That’s not the only reason women divorce men. The biggest reason is they get bored with them, even if they provide the necessary attention, but we’ve discussed that one already. I’m just saying not giving her attention makes an already bad situation even worse.)
Again, I went back to my own experience. In all cases except for one, the married women I’ve been with clearly said, repeatedly, that their husbands did not appreciate them any more. They never told them they were “hot” or “pretty”. They didn’t feel like their husbands were sexually attracted to them, even when these women were very pretty. There was one exception to the rule; one woman did have a husband who told her she was hot and did seem to appreciate her at least somewhat…she only slept with me once while all the rest slept with me multiple times. Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.
Here’s a quick video on this survey made by my favorite YouTube channel, the Young Turks. I agree pretty much with every point made by both commentators. Watch carefully and note the predictable difference in reactions from the young, pretty, never-married woman vs. the middle-aged, chubby, married man.
The point they made in the middle of the video is key. Human beings need, not want, but need, newness. This is something virtually impossible to maintain longer than a few years in a 100% monogamous relationship, no matter how amazing you or your partner is.
One last thing, gentlemen. Over the last two decades the rate of women cheating has grown by 40 percent, while the rate at which men cheat has remained constant. It’s all right here if you don’t believe me.
As I’ve said before, not only does long-term monogamy not work now, it will also become increasingly less workable as time goes on. Ten years down the road, there will be even more women cheating than now…it’s going to get worse and worse until mainstream society snaps out of their Disney fantasy and starts admitting some basic realities about how human beings work.
Noodle all that next time you’re tempted to chuck it all and get “forever” monogamous with some girl who is Not Like The Rest™.
Since just about everyone reading this has either cheated, been cheated on, or has slept with a “taken” person, tell me in the comments if your personal experiences matches, or does not match, the results of this survey. I’m very curious.