It’s always nice when science reinforces the things I’ve been saying for years. It happens so often these days I’ve pretty much stopped reporting it. Yet I recently came across this New York Times article that’s quite wonderful. It’s got me written all over it.
I have said for many years, including in my free ebook about it, the following things:
- Women are biologically wired to get BORED with their lover in long term relationships.
- This happens even if her boyfriend/husband is perfect and does everything right.
- This boredom usually begins in earnest around the three-year mark in a relationship.
- This boredom is intensified if she is monogamous with her partner and/or if she lives with her partner.
- Women will not tell men they do this. They all say “I won’t be like that”. When years go by and they do become like that, they deceptively blame the boredom on their husbands, or the effort involved in raising kids, or their work, or other external factors that have nothing whatsoever to do with the real reason, which is sexual boredom created by her own biology.
- As soon as women get divorced and starting having sex with new men, this boredom magically vanishes. For “unknown” reasons. The reason is, of course, that she’s no longer monogamous.
- The above facts are so horrific to people, so against everyone’s cherished Societal Programming, even scientists who know it’s true can’t bring themselves to come out and say what I just said.
Exhibit A is this NYT article. It’s about a new drug they’re testing that has been dubbed the “female Viagra”. It has been created to combat the exact boredom I talk about…that experienced by women in three-year or longer monogamous relationships.
While interviewing one woman,
“Thinking about your desire now,” Miller said, “would you say it is absent, very low, low, reasonable or present?”
“Low.” This was no different from Linneah’s reply at the trial’s outset two months before.
“When your partner initiated sexual activity over the past eight weeks, did you show avoidance behavior?”
“Like earlier to bed?”
“Yes.” Linneah’s voice lurched louder; she laughed; it was a relief to talk bluntly.
“Do you have pleasant feelings when you’re touched?”
So physically the woman is fine. But mentally she’s no longer attracted to her husband.
Yes! This is a mental issue, not a physical one. There is nothing physically wrong with her at all. That’s why if she divorced her husband (which most women end up doing) and had sex with a new man, all of a sudden she would be completely sexually healthy, both mentally and physically.
Later, after her appointment, she told me that in fact she has orgasms pretty much every time she and her husband have sex — that wasn’t the problem. “There’s something that’s stopping me from wanting it,” she said. “I don’t know what it is. I can’t tell you what it is.”
But I can. She’s been with her husband in a monogamous relationship for longer than three years. She still loves him, and her body works fine, but she no longer is sexually attracted to him. THIS IS NORMAL. THIS IS HOW WOMEN WORK. If you expect any different, you’re an idiot deluded by your own Disney desires.
When they were dating and out with other couples, Linneah would think, “I just want to get home with him, I just want to get home with him,” she recalled. But that lust had dwindled. Around the arrival of their second child in 2004, something insidious crept in, partly fatigue but partly something else that she couldn’t name.
Since most women don’t read scientific studies, divorce statistics, or blogs written by me, they have no idea why they start getting bored with their monogamous husbands. They just assume it’s because the husbands are being jerks, or they’re “stressed”, or “raising kids” or whatever. But notice that there was “something else she couldn’t name”. She doesn’t want her husband to fuck her any more, and she can’t put a finger on why.
…women raised a mix of possible reasons. There were the demands of graduate school, the demands of children, the demands of work, medical issues, men who weren’t always as kind or nearly as engaged as they could be. But at bottom there seemed to be one common cause: they had all grown tired of sex with their long-term partners.
The go-to phrase in the above quote is “men who weren’t always as kind or nearly as engaged as they could be”.
When you find a woman who is Not Like The Rest™ and are stupid enough to ignore everything I’ve ever said because you “have to settle down eventually”, when your wife’s biology kicks in and she stops wanting to have sex with you after three years, and you ask her why, she’s going to blame YOU. That’s right. YOU.
Like most married men hear all the time, you’re going to hear a big list of all the things you’re doing wrong, and how if you just “shaped up”, she would start having sex with you again. And it will be a lie. It will likely have nothing to do with you. It will be about her. Her biology. But she can’t, and won’t, say that.
Then you’ll get pissed off and after much chaos, get divorced, then you’ll post on my blog or forum about how right I was and how you should have listened to me.
But I digress. Let’s continue this sad tale…
Around once a week, her husband tried to reach through the invisible barriers she built — the going up to bed early, the intense concentration on a book, the hoping he was too tired to want anything but sleep. “He’ll move closer to me in bed, or put his arm around me, or rub my back.”
Yep. Anything to get out of having icky sex with my husband! Ew!
I hope all you guys out there who want to get married and monogamous someday are paying very close attention.
She willed herself not to refuse him. And mostly, she didn’t. Usually they had sex about four times each month. But it upset her that she had to force herself and that she put up those barriers to deter him from reaching more often.
So even when she had sex, she didn’t like it AND she felt guilty that she didn’t like it.
“I’m scared that if it’s slimmed to this by now, what’s going to happen as we get older?” she said. “I want to stay close, not just psychologically, physically. I want to stay in love. I have a friend, they have sex so intermittently, every three months. She is so unhappy. I don’t want that to happen to me.”
This is another reason this sexual decline in mono-marriages is so common; all of her other married girlfriends are also avoiding sex with their husbands. So it becomes a normal and accepted thing within her social circle.
I experienced this personally. Back when I was married, my wife at the time had three girlfriends who had also been married longer than three years, and all three of them constantly reported to her how rarely they had sex with their husbands.
She used to say to me “Jennifer and Suzi only fuck their husbands like once every two months! We have sex once a week! And that’s STILL not enough for you??? They said you should be thankful!!!”
Now before you start calling my ex-wife a bitch, let me repeat it yet again: This is normal. This is how women are. This is how women have been biologically wired to behave for hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution. Just like the woman in the article, there is usually no malice behind it. It’s just how women are.
Finally, the article gets to the core of the matter…
But for many women, the cause of their sexual malaise appears to be monogamy itself. It is women much more than men who have H.S.D.D., who don’t feel heat for their steady partners. Evolutionary psychologists argue that this comes down to innate biology, that men are just made with stronger sex drives — so men will settle for the woman who’s always near.
Women get sexually bored. Men (usually) do not. Women are horny only at certain points in their lives. Men are always horny.
How, then, can long term monogamy be expected to work?
The answer is: it can’t.
Want more proof?
Dietrich Klusmann, a psychologist at the University of Hamburg-Eppendorf in Germany, has provided a glimpse into the bedrooms of longtime couples. His surveys, involving a total of almost 2,500 subjects, comprise one of the few systematic comparisons of female and male desire at progressive stages of committed relationships. He shows women and men in new relationships reporting, on average, more or less equal lust for each other. But for women who’ve been with their partners between one and four years, a dive begins — and continues, leaving male desire far higher.
Women get bored, men do not. Women get bored at between “one and four years”. What have I been saying about the magical three-year mark?
As if that wasn’t enough validation of what I’ve been saying:
Within this plunge, there is a notable pattern: over time, women who don’t live with their partners retain their desire much more than women who do.
Dingding again! What have I been saying forever? Moving in with a woman increases the speed at which she will become bored with you. This is a corollary to another concept I’ve explained for years: The more often you see a woman, the faster she will become sexually bored with you. Why do you think I talk about the once-a-week rule for FBs and MLTRs?
Some of you have asked me why I have not moved in with a woman after all these years. Because I know what will happen if I do.
Others of you have expressed amazement and/or disbelief that many women in my life can still remain very horny for me after four or five years of consistent dating and sex, even when they know I’m out fucking other women.
It’s because I haven’t ever moved in with any of these women. Even when some of these women have begged me to do so.
Because I love happiness, I like my women to be horny for me. All the time. Moving in with a woman would eventually, not immediately but eventually, start to degrade that. If/when I move in with a woman down the road, which I probably will do, I can alleviate this problem by not being monogamous with her. She can still fuck other guys and I can fuck other women. This will greatly delay (though probably not prevent) her eventual boredom. On top of that, there will be no legal marriage (or at worst, a marriage with a rock-solid prenup), so if the relationship fails because of her boredom, no damage to my financial life occurs.
“The impact of relationship duration is something that comes up constantly,” she told me about her therapy sessions. “Sometimes I wonder whether it” — H.S.D.D. — “isn’t so much about libido as it is about boredom.”
Why don’t these scientists just give me a call? I could save them bundles on research money.
Now here’s where things get really funny. These Societally Programmed scientists don’t want to admit what’s really going on…
“What protects desire in monogamous partnerships is a great empirical question,” Brotto said. “I don’t think there have been any good studies.”
Well shit, Mr. Scientist! Maybe there’s no study on how to maintain strong sexual desire in long term monogamous relationships because it’s impossible to do so. Because maybe, Mr. Fucking Scientist, human beings were never designed for absolute monogamy past about three years. But as a scientist you already knew that, didn’t you? (And yes, I know there are always unusual exceptions to every rule.)
Look god dammit. A Ferrari is a hell of a car. But if you try to drive that Ferrari through a swamp, it isn’t going to do shit. It’ll just sit there and sink into the mud like any other heavy hunk of metal. It doesn’t matter how awesome a car it is, it was never designed to drive through swamps.
Building your long term goals (much less building an entire society!) around the idea of driving Ferraris thorough swamps is stupid, childish, utopian, destructive, harmful, and ridiculous.
Do you see how painful this is for people to admit? Even people who know better like these silly scientists?
As if the article can’t get any better, it shows how this sexual husband-boredom is even happening to the female scientists…
Brotto, who is married and has three children, went on: “I’m a woman in a long-term monogamous relationship. I myself have felt firsthand very high passionate desire, which then wanes. I can relate to my patients completely.
Well I’m just shocked she’s in a “long-term monogamous relationship” and she doesn’t want to fuck her man either!
Honestly, it’s rare to find something this funny and sad at the same time.
Sometimes she discusses the option of open relationships. But even to contemplate this alternative is to ignite fears in both women and men, and those override the pining for lust.
And there it is. We come all the way back to the problem I battle with people, mostly men, every day: Everyone knows monogamy doesn’t work, but no one wants to try a different system.
“Yeah monogamy doesn’t work and sucks and creates all kinds of problems and we were never designed for it and I hate it, BUT I CANT LET HER FUCK OTHER GUYS! WHAT, ARE YOU INSANE??? RRRRRRAAAAAHH!!! So I’ll just be monogamous and have boredom and drama and cheating and breakups and divorces and fuck up my kids and…”
<Blackdragon does a forehead-slap>
Like the rest of the practitioners at the 16 research sites across the country that Adriaan Tuiten contracted to conduct the studies, Goldstein had to make sure that every applicant was in a stable relationship. Tuiten didn’t openly acknowledge monogamy as the core of the desire problem, but he knew he couldn’t use single subjects who might well find new lovers during the course of the trials. Their results might have to be tossed out because, with or without chemical aids, new lovers bring surges of lust.
Just. Amazing. See, nonmonogamous women don’t need their stupid female Viagra pill, because they know that nonmonogamous women don’t experience a decline in sexual desire. So they have to make sure to only find monogamous women, or else it would ruin their entire study.
I remember Tom Leykis making a joke about old married men and their old, ugly, fat, bitchy, nonsexual wives, and how these men “needed” Viagra. “Let these guys go fuck a cute 20 year-old girl, then watch and see if they need Viagra. You’d be shocked at how well their johnsons would suddenly work.”
I have talked about, numerous times, how my FBs and MLTRs will never get bored with me, but when they LSNFTE me and go to a monogamous boyfriend (or get married and have a new husband!), over time they will get bored with Mr. Monogamous, then dump the guy and come back to me. And keep coming back to me over and over again, yet they will never go back to Mr. Monogamy.
I don’t get monogamous with these women, and I don’t demand it of them, so they never get bored with me, even after years and years. It’s that simple. I’ve said before that I plan on having sex with most of my women, off-and-on, for the rest of their lives. This is why this is possible.
You can accomplish some really wonderful, enriching, powerful things if you just toss monogamy out the door and figure out how to make open, semi-open, or poly relationships work.
The question is, how much scientific evidence will it take to get you to do this?