I have no scientific evidence to back up what I’m about to say, but I’ve experienced so much anecdotal evidence of this that I’m pretty sure I’m on to something. Biological science also tends to back up my theory.
My assertion is this:
Women are physically attracted to what they are sexually accustomed to.
Men are physically attracted to what is different from what they are sexually accustomed to.
Of course there are always exceptions to every rule, so not every man or woman will follow this. I still think it’s generally true on the overall. I have experienced many examples of this but I’ll give you one or two off the top of my head.
Women And Difference
Years ago, I was on a date with a woman who was short; about 5’3″. She had been in very serious relationships over the past several years, and the two men in question were over 6’3″. In other words, this was a short woman who had spent the last several years in relationships with very tall men. This is what she was accustomed to.
It was a first date, and her and I were really hitting it off. Her demeanor, words, and body language all indicated she was into me. I kinoed her and she loved it. For some reason I don’t remember, we decided to go to a different bar that was located a few blocks away. So we got up and walked outside.
As soon as we started walking, she started staring at me like I was some kind of mutant.
“Um…how tall are you?” she asked in a nervous tone.
“Right now, with these shoes on, just under 6 feet,” I said, “If I took these shoes off I’d be about 5’11”.”
“Oh,” she sputtered, “I just…I just…”
She kept sputtering, and for the next ten minutes, all I heard out of her was about how “short” I was and about how she was “so surprised” I was that “short”.
Needless to say, at about 6’0″ with shoes on, this was the first and only time in my life I had ever been called “short” by a woman. Especially from a woman who was barely 5’3″.
She was very tense for the rest of the date. Gone was the rapport and interest I had experienced with her before. She had gone from smiling, happy, and invested to jittery, nervous, and cold. After that date I never saw her again.
I had never experienced something like that before, and thought on it afterwards. It was more than just the simple answer…that she’s into tall guys. It was something more than that. By not being the super tall man she was accustomed to and comfortable with, I was outside of her comfort zone.
Here’s another one. In my adventures I have run into two different women who were very hot (9s or 10s by most men’s scales) who were “turned off” by men with flat stomachs. That’s right. They liked men with “bellies”. Not having a belly “turned them off”, at least in their words.
Were they really turned off by men with flat stomachs? No. The real answer was that the last one or two long-term serious boyfriends they had were dudes with “bellies”. It was what these women were accustomed to. To be clear, these two women didn’t like fat guys, they liked normal looking guys with pooch bellies they could “rub” and “cuddle with”.
If you’re wondering, yes, I had sex with both these women, since while I don’t have a “belly”, my stomach is anything but flat. So this was a case where this odd female phenomenon worked in my favor.
Regardless, I am convinced of two things:
1. Those same two women would love a man with sixpack abs or a flat stomach if had they both not been in recent long-term relationships with men with bellies.
2. If either of these women somehow overcame her prejudice and ended up in a long-lasting relationship with a sixpack guy, then once the relationship ended she would suddenly consider men with bellies as “gross” and want a sixpack guy again.
In other words, often it’s not about a woman’s “type”, it’s more about what she’s accustomed to.
Men And Difference
On the other hand, men are the exact opposite. If a man has been in a long, monogamous relationship with a woman with certain physical traits, he’s (likely) going to be strongly attracted to other women with very different traits.
Take a guy who’s had a monogamous girlfriend for 3 years and he’s never cheated on her (yet). Let’s say his GF is trim but has really big boobs. This guy is going to likely find himself oddly turned on by women with a more athletic build and smaller breasts.
The reverse is also true…the guy married to a small-boobed wife is going to be really turned on when he finally cheats (or gets divorced) and has sex with a woman with really big tits. He’ll love every minute of it, more so than if his (ex) wife also had big boobs.
I went 36 years without ever having sex with an Asian woman. I never even looked at Asian women in a sexual way for most of my life. But when I finally did have sex with an Asian girl for the first time, the experience was so fantastic I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing. She wasn’t even that good in bed, but because she was so different from the blonde white women I was accustomed to, I was turned on in a strong, visceral way I wasn’t expecting and at the time, couldn’t explain.
As one might expect, I suddenly started looking at Asian women very differently, and there’s been many more in my life since then. More importantly, I suddenly realized that women of radically different ethnic backgrounds could really stir my loins. Not just Asian women, but women of all races and cultures. It wasn’t something I was expecting at all.
Now let’s not go crazy here. Of course most men have “types” they really like. What I’m saying doesn’t invalidate that. I still like curvy blonde women the best, and probably always will. Even that first-time Asian girl was curvy, with big boobs and hips like I like ’em. Regardless, I still think that above and beyond your “type”, you’re going to be really attracted to women who are very different than what you’re accustomed to, whether you’re aware of it or not, especially if you’ve only been having sex with one woman for a very long time.
Men like variety. Duh.
Why? Because it serves our irrational though very biological desire to spread our seed and make lots of healthy, diverse children with many different women. Emphasis on the word “diverse”.
Let’s do an experiment right now that will bolster my point. Clear your mind and think about this for a minute…
Imagine you live in a world with no alimony and no child support. Now imagine you have fathered 20 kids. All these kids have been born from different women you impregnated, and here’s the kicker: all these women are of different ages, races, hair colors, and body types.
Doesn’t that thought get your inner caveman a little excited? It does, doesn’t it? Even if you’re reluctant to admit it, I bet you got a little happy charge by reading the preceding paragraph.
Interesting, isn’t it? That’s your biology talking.
This is all assuming you’re a man, of course. If you’re a woman, you’re probably throwing up right about now. That’s your biology too.
While men’s biology seeks difference and variety, women’s biology seeks stability. I think usually, that woman you’re trying to have sex with wants you to look as close to her last long term ex-boyfriend or husband as possible. I would love to see a scientific study of women and see how often they choose boyfriends/husbands who look very similar to prior boyfriends/husbands.
This is not to say that women don’t get bored with sexual partners. That’s still true. There is strong biology in women that make them get bored with fucking the same man over and over again, really hitting hard at the three-year mark. (I’ll be discussing this in detail on this blog next week.) She gets bored, wants a new guy, but wants that new guy to have strong physical similarities as the old guy.
Women don’t really have a “type” like men do, but I think most women are more comfortable having sex with men similar to the men they’ve already had sex with. (Whereas that would be boring for most men.)
If you have any experiences that go along with what I’m saying, or possibly refute what I’m saying, I’d love to hear them.