I’ve talked a lot about drama in relationships, how to avoid it and/or manage it (via not betaing yourself, never promising monogamy, lots of nexting, etc). I’ve also discussed the four different types of people there are when it comes to drama in relationships. In this post and the next one, I’m going to examine this topic in a way you probably have never thought of before.
In the normal world of needy, brainwashed, societally programmed people, “putting up” with drama from your serious, long term partner is considered a noble thing. When you put up with her regularly bitching, whining, or screaming at you, that means you really love each other. It means you’re committed to her though thick and thin. You really care about her. To argue is to be human, and being human is a good thing. Isn’t it? I mean, come on, if you’re with someone for years and almost never fight, that means you’re two boring robots. No one wants to be a robot.
Putting up with a woman’s drama (or responding to it in kind) is also a form of giving a woman attention. As I’ve been saying for years, women crave attention from you more than any other single thing. More than love, more than sex, more than even security, a woman wants your attention. I’m not saying she doesn’t want those other things too. I’m saying she wants attention more.
Stop paying attention to her, and she’ll explode into a volcano of concern in ways that may not even bother her if you took away something else, like sex for example. (This is why soft nexts are so effective.)
All of the above explains the very common female belief of, “If you really love me, you’ll put up with me being a bitch.” That’s what a “good boyfriend” or “good husband does”. (Actually that’s what a beta male does, but that’s a discussion for another time, and one we’ve had before.)
Men are just as bad. There are plenty of men out there who honestly believe that big, regular fights are healthy and good for “self expression” in a relationship. Or something. You want her to scream at you when something is bothering her. Otherwise she’ll be repressing her emotions, and OMG, we can’t have that. And everyone knows, you are the ONLY place she has to dump all her negativity. So yeah, it’s much better for you to be her emotional trash can and constantly be a receptacle for all of the negative shit she’s feeling in her life.
Moreover, other men will advise, when she screams at you, you need to man-up and scream back at her. Otherwise you’re a pussy! You’re not going to just take that, are you? Fuck no! You need to logically tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to shut the fuck up and calm down RIGHT NOW. OR ELSE. That’s what a real man does god dammit. At least, that’s what Needy Alphas / Alpha Male 1.0s believe.
With women, beta males, and Needy Alphas harboring all of these beliefs, is it any wonder why people have non-stop drama in their relationships?
The Other Way Around
I’m going to give you the exact opposite of what you’ve been told your whole life. (As if I’ve never done that before.)
When you allow the woman in your life to give you drama, you are hurting her.
That’s right. You’re hurting her.
Here’s three things for you more drama-prone, emotional guys:
1. You are not helping her express her feelings. As a woman, she has many, many other ways of expressing feelings besides calling you an asshole or bitching about the sock you left on the floor. She also has at least 10 other people in her life she could be yelling at in order to express her negativity. It doesn’t have to be you. Nor should it. As the man in her life, the man she supposedly loves and wants to be happy, you should be the last person on her list that she considers screaming at when she’s in a bad mood, not the first person.
One of the many reasons traditional monogamous marriage has become such a nightmare is because most married women, once past the three-year mark in a marriage, consider it part of her husband’s “job” to be screamed at whenever she’s in a bad mood. In reality, he should be the very last person on her list she should be screaming at.
2. You are not becoming more “human” together. If her dog dies, and she cries in your arms, that’s more human. If she gets a new job, and you cheer and celebrate with her, that’s more human. But if she’s had a bad day at work then angrily screams at you on the phone about how you were 10 minutes late picking up the pizza, that’s not more human. If she angrily calls you an asshole because you didn’t help her in the kitchen fast enough, that’s not more human. These things make both you and her less human. Her behavior is pulling both of you down to our furry primate predecessors. That’s primate-level crap, not humanity.
3. You are not building closeness. Being happy together builds closeness. Spending time together builds closeness. Overcoming real problems together can also build closeness. I said real problems. Her bitching at you because some other girl made a flirty comment on your Facebook page is not classified as a real problem in this context. That kind of garbage does not build closeness. It builds a wall between you. It builds anger, jealousy, and resentment, regardless of her reasons, real or stated, for the drama she’s giving you. It also trains you as the man to start hiding things from her, which is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. Bad all around.
Here’s a fourth item for you more Needy Alpha types:
4. When you give her guy-drama by issuing rules or orders, you are not raising her attraction by showing her what a big badass man you are. If she really likes strong men, then perhaps temporarily you may be impressing her with your manliness. Maybe. But over the long term, all this behavior will do is drive her to look for other options. She’s going to either cheat on you (assuming you’re monogamous, which is always a mistake, but I digress), or leave you, or LSFNTE you, or violate the rules (if any) you have in your open relationship. All bad.
She’ll seek out male validation and attention from strong, masculine men who don’t give her drama or rules or lectures. In other words, men like me. (I do very, very well with the ex-girlfriends of Needy Alpha men.)
Here are three more things for every man reading this, regardless of your personality type:
5. It trains her to give you more drama, not less. When she screams at you and you put up with it, it simply tells her subconscious you will tolerate this crap in the future. So she does more of it. If she throws drama at you and you respond with your own guy-drama, it trains her that you will give her massive attention whenever she gives you drama. Thus, you’ve ensured she’ll give you more.
Using guy-logic, you think that screaming at her or threatening her or commanding her will serve as a deterrent to future drama, when in fact it does the exact opposite. Oh, soooooo many men make this mistake!
6. It reduces her attraction for you. This should be obvious by now. By tolerating or engaging her drama, you are putting yourself in the “normal, boring, predicable” category in her mind, instead of the “mysterious, exciting” category you used to be in back when you had sex the first time.
7. It damages your self esteem and/or view of women. Over time, you’re going to subconsciously start to think that “this” kind of woman is the kind of woman “for you”. Or worse, you’re going to start assuming that “all” women are like “this”.
Then, before you realize it, you’ll be bouncing from one relationship to the next, all with high-drama bitches, instead of the fun, nice women you could be with.
Drama – Not Needed
I can’t say it any more simply than this: Drama is harmful and serves no purpose.
Remember, by drama, I’m referring to a very specific behavior, so check the glossary if you’re unsure of what I mean here. I didn’t say it serves no purpose when she cries in your arms because her best friend just moved 1000 miles away. That’s perfectly fine. I’m talking about drama here. We all know what that is.
In the next blog post, I’m going to discuss drama specifically from the angle of nonmonogamous relationships.