Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are my two new heroes.
They’ve been married for 16 years. During that time there have been rumors about cheating or an open marriage. Finally Jada has come clean about her open marriage to Will. The video clip of her talking about it is right here.
It’s fantastic. It is so wonderful to watch a woman demonstrate maturity and rationality when it comes to being married not only to a man, but to a good looking and famous man. Instead of doing what most women do, which is marry a high sex drive, good looking Alpha Male then react with shock and fury when he cheats on her, Jada has become a true Blackdragonette.
She has seen the light, and apparently she saw it a very long time ago. I am extremely impressed. I’ve made a few snide remarks about Will and Jada in my day, and I hereby retract all of them. These two people are new heroes, and I mean it.
The video clip is about 90 seconds long, but the key quote is right here:
Will is his own man. I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be, and that’s not for me to do for him. And vice versa…respecting that you are in a partnership, but that you are an individual as well.
I could not have said it better myself. Those four sentences encapsulate everything I try to explain to women in my life (and men online) about the nature of a serious, long term relationship to an Alpha male. It’s about understanding the concept that just because you love someone or live with someone or have children with someone does not mean that you cease being an individual with all the freedoms that entails.
Why The Traditional Relationship Model Is Flawed
The Societal Programming concept of, “Now that we’re together, you are no longer free to do whatever you want” is one of the core reasons long term, serious relationships or marriages fail, and include much drama and chaos when they fail. The truly enlightened acknowledge the inconvenient reality that human beings, especially Alpha Males, don’t follow hardcore sexual restrictions for long periods of time. They only do it for short, concentrated bursts.
Acknowledge this, structure your relationships around this, and you and your partner will experience a long-term happiness few will ever know. Deny this, pretend it doesn’t exist, then end up like everyone else. Which is a simple way of saying “Happy Now, Pissed Later”. (I should come up with a new acronym! HNPL.)
I’ve said before that whenever two normal people enter into a romantic relationship, they metaphorically hand each other a list of rules and regulations they are now expected to follow. The woman’s list has things like how much money he is expected to spend on her, how much time he’s expected to spend with her, and all the things he needs to do less of (like watch sports or hang out with the guys down at the bar). The man’s list has things on there about not texting other men, taking pictures of her ex-boyfriend off her Facebook page, and how often he expects sex from her.
Both men and women do this, and both of them can easily have scores, if not hundreds of little items on that “Rules List”. Generally speaking, the older a woman is, the more items on her list. A 40 year-old woman is going to have a much bigger list than a 22 year-old woman. The same often goes for guys.
If your goal is to have a relationship that lasts six to twelve months or so, then this approach is fine. Go right ahead and have fun with your NRE and your eventual breakup.
But if your goal is to have a relationship that lasts much longer than three years, this approach is insane. Both partners will soon start to violate rules on their lists. It’s normal and predicable. It doesn’t mean she’s a bitch or a gold-digger or disrespectful or irrational, nor does it mean he’s an asshole or immature or selfish or stupid. It’s just how human beings work.
Enlightened adults like Will and Jada understand this. Societally programmed, maturity-stunted people like 90% of folks out there do not understand this. Or worse, understand it but pretend it doesn’t exist.
Will and Jada’s Open Marriage Rules
What then, are the rules behind Will and Jada’s open marriage? Every open marriage has them. Jada said this:
I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay.’
She stated this strongly, almost angrily. However, as a well trained expert in Woman Language, I shall interpret what she said into English.
She’s essentially saying he’s can fuck around all he likes as long as the women don’t mean anything. She’s his OLTR wife, and women on the side must be FBs. Standard fare for an OLTR, as I’ve described many times before. Jada’s a strong chick, and I’m quite sure she’s been very clear to Will about this. Play around all you want, but I’m your wife and I’m the one you love. Perfectly acceptable.
This kind of marriage works. Millions of people all over the world have long-lasting marriages, often with kids (and non-married cohabitation relationships) that work like this. It’s just that these people keep very quiet about them.
This is what makes Will and Jada so special…
Why They’re Heroes
Jada Pinkett is a hero because she has the balls to state all of this publicly. Yeah, it took her 16 years to do it, but better late than never.
In a world where women are expected to throw men to the sharks if/when they ever cheat, where a “strong woman” deserves a “good (submissive) man”, Jada had the courage to break through all the Societal Programming and clearly state that there’s another way to do it that makes more sense.
Other than Gene Simmons, I can’t remember the last time a mainstream celebrity actually said this publicly. Penn Gillette has hinted about it in his marriage, and others have also hinted about it, but someone flat out saying it is new. In the interview they mention Rube Dee and Ossie Davis who also had an open marriage of sorts, but that was a very long time ago.
We may have finally turned a corner regarding this open relationship stuff. Maybe now more people will have the courage to say “Yeah, this is how we live, and we’re happy.” If Jada Pinkett (who is considered very “cool” and a “tough” woman in Hollywood) and Will Smith (who has always been considered very wholesome) can do this, perhaps others will too.