This is an updated version of something I posted on the forums many years ago. It’s a humorous retelling of the the movie Superman 2 in the context of monogamy, marriage, open relationships, Alpha males, beta males, Needy Alphas, and irrational women. I have often used the analogy of Superman as a beta and Batman as an Alpha, with women like Lois Lane as typical shrews. Though I do give a Superman a few Needy Alpha traits in the story…even betas can be “Needy Alphaish” sometimes.
Superman gets hardcore oneitis for Lois Lane. He gives up his powers to be in a mono-LTR with her, but he really doesn’t think that will be a big problem. He rationalizes he can still be “super” even without his super powers. He has his powers removed and moves Lois into the Fortress of Solitude.
Lois is ecstatic. She’s always wanted Superman to lose his powers so she can move in and start bossing him around, and now she’s finally getting what she’s wanted all these years. Superman waxes emotional about all the love and sex he’s going to start getting, and Lois heads to the mall to buy some furniture to make the Fortress of Solitude a more “inviting and livable” place.
A while later, the three evil Kryptonians attack New York City. Superman, thinking he’s still “super”, tries to stop them, and they promptly kick his ass. Superman thinks “Damn, I shouldn’t have given up my super powers. Now what am I going to do?”
Back at the Fortress of Solitude, Lois is on another long phone conversation with one of her girlfriends saying “You know, I love him, but I’m just not attracted to him since he lost his super powers. I mean, he was so hot when he could fly and throw cars down the street, but now…I don’t know…he’s so boring! Ugh!”
Superman discovers, to his shock, Lois doesn’t like to have sex as often as she once did. She’s also noticeably more bitchy and demanding. Superman has absolutely no idea why she’s behaving this way. He tries to logically discuss this with Lois, but to his surprise that doesn’t work either.
Finally he says “Aw, fuck it”, and starts a secret plan to somehow regain his powers and keep Lois as his LTR. He starts sneaking around, hiding stuff around his home, telling his friends to keep their big mouths shut, and goes to Gotham City to ask Batman for advice. Batman laughs in his face and says “Jesus, Clark. Why the hell did you do that? That was really dumb. Now you’re fucked, dude! Anyway, I gotta go, I’ve got a threesome tonight with Kate Upton and Eva Mendes. Have fun jerking off tonight!”
Lois, meanwhile, has suddenly discovered how hot Green Lantern is. She starts thinking about him when she has sex with Superman (which is happening less and less) and when she uses her vibrator (which is happening more and more). She even sends Green Lantern a “Hey, how’s it going?” email on Facebook.
Superman finally regains his powers, but feels guilty as hell about it. He still tries to hide this fact from Lois, but one day, right in front of her, he slips and falls face first on Lois’s new $5000 dining room table (purchased with Superman’s credit card). The table cracks in half, Superman isn’t hurt at all, the cat is out of the bag.
Lois unleashes Drama From Hell and lays into him. She screams at him for four hours (but only 5 minutes of movie time) about how every single problem in the relationship is his fault. Superman screams back at her, responding to all of her irrational points, wondering why she’s not making any sense, and then ends up calling her a frigid bitch.
Lois moves out that evening. The $270,000 worth of furniture and fixtures (that Lois purchased with Superman’s credit card) go with her. “I picked them out, so they’re mine!” she screams. It makes complete, logical sense to her. Superman just throws his arms in the air and goes to the movies by himself to cool off.
The movie ends with creditors showing up to the Fortress of Solitude, slapping judgment liens on Superman for all the credit card bills Lois jacked up. Superman ignores them, and sends Lois the 432nd text to her phone saying “Baby, I love you. Please give me another chance, I promise I won’t ever do that again.”
The final scene in the movie is Lois Lane in her newly-furnished apartment, naked and bent over her couch (a $17,000 European leather model, purchased with Superman’s credit card), getting fucked hard by Batman. He gives the camera a smile and a big thumbs-up as the screen fades to black.
Due to its accuracy, the movie would make so much money it would quickly spawn a sequel, which would go something like this:
After several weeks of sending Lois texts and leaving her sappy voice mails, Superman comes to the conclusion Lois isn’t coming back. So he reluctantly goes out on a first date with Wonder Woman. While on their first date at TGI Fridays, Wonder Woman accidentally squeezes her huge boobs together, really showing off the cleavage, and Superman instantly falls in “love”. He doesn’t try anything sexual or talk about anything sexual, so as to not lose her.
Ten minutes after the date is over, as Wonder Woman is flying home in her invisible jet, Superman sends her a text about how much fun the date was and how hot she is. He sends her 27 similar texts over the next 24 hours. Wonder Woman becomes all he can think about, and he crosses his fingers hoping that he won’t “screw this up”.
Meanwhile, Lois keeps getting her brains fucked out by Batman, and it’s the best sex she’s had in her life. NRE rages within her. She tells all her friends about this “new amazing guy” and how he’s “unlike any guy she’s ever dated” and how often she’s having orgasms. At the Daily Planet, Jimmy Olsen overhears Lois on these kinds of phone conversations and seethes with jealousy, vowing to kill Batman someday.
Superman goes on seven more dates with Wonder Woman with no sex. He doesn’t want to “screw this up” so he “plays it on the safe side”. Finally, on date number eight, Wonder Woman finally puts out and they have sex, mostly because she feels sorry for Superman and she hasn’t had sex in a while.
The very next morning Superman gives her the “So, I think we should be exclusive” speech. Wonder Woman says “Uh…well, that’s not really what I had in mind,” but Superman presses the issue. Wonder Woman suddenly realizes if she says yes, she can tell all her friends and family that she actually has a boyfriend, and can then change her Facebook status to “In a relationship”. So she instantly agrees. Superman is ecstatic.
Meanwhile, Lois sends Batman a text saying “So… Where is this going? I mean, what is this to you?”. Batman gets the text while getting a blowjob from Catwoman. While still getting blown he reads the text, checks the calendar, and says “Yep, it’s been three months. Women are so predictable.” Catwoman pops his cock out of her mouth and says “What did you say?” Batman says “Bitch, I didn’t tell you to stop!” and shoves her head back on his bat-dick. As he cums in her mouth, he sends a text back to Lois saying “It’s going into a dark exciting tunnel, and it’s a throbbing freight train of power!” Lois is slightly angered by the response, but also strangely attracted…
A while later, Superman sees a text on Wonder Woman’s phone. It’s from Aquaman, and it just says “Hey, what’s up?” Superman is furious. He hurls the phone at her screaming “Who the fuck is THAT guy?” She responds, “Jesus. It’s just Aquaman, we’re just friends!” Superman screams “Why the fuck is he texting you? That’s fuckin’ bullshit. He texts you one more time, I’m gonna kick his ass. I don’t want all these guys sending you texts and shit.” A long argument ensues.
The next day, Lois is bitching about Batman to Jimmy Olsen. She says “I mean, he’s the best sex I’ve ever had, and he’s the most amazing guy, you know? But he’s an asshole! When I start talking about my feelings for him he just makes a joke and slaps my ass (which I kinda like), but you know what I mean? And I just know he’s fucking other women…” Jimmy says “He’s an asshole. He just wants to fuck you. He doesn’t love you. BUT I DO.”
Lois is shocked. She says “What?” and he says, “Yep. I truly love you, not just for your body like Batman, but your soul, Lois.” Jimmy is, of course, lying out his ass, but he continues, “If you broke up with him and dated me, I would commit to 100% exclusivity, buy you anything you wanted, marry you, have as many kids you want, and do whatever you say.” For some strange reason she can’t explain, Lois suddenly realizes she loves Jimmy.
She sends Batman a text saying “You and I are really good for each other, and you’re an amazing guy, but I don’t think we’re on the same page. I’ve found a man who loves me dearly and who I can really spend my life with, so I can’t see you any more. I’m truly sorry and realize it’s not you, it’s me.” Batman receives the text but ignores it because he’s in the middle of a threesome with Kristen Stewart and Miley Cyrus. A few hours later, while both women are sweaty and exhausted on the floor of the batcave, he grabs his phone while whistling a happy tune and sends Lois a text saying “Ok, have fun!” He then mysteriously circles a date on his calendar four months out.
That night, Jimmy and Lois have sex. Jimmy, who hasn’t had sex in ten months, cums inside her within four seconds of entry and then falls asleep. Lois frowns but then thinks, “Oh well, at least HE actually loves me!”
The next day, Wonder Woman is at the mall, shopping with the married couple Hawkman and Hawkwoman. As Hawkwoman is making the ninth purchase with Hawkman’s credit card, Hawkman is chatting with Wonder Woman, all the while trying desperately to not look at her cleavage (like Jimmy Olsen, Hawkman also hasn’t had sex in ten months).
Suddenly, the wall explodes and Superman flies in, lands right by them, points at Hawkman and screams “Who the fuck his THIS guy?” Wonder Woman says “Jesus, Superman, you know who it is! It’s Hawkman and Hawkwoman. We’re just shopping!” Superman glares at Hawkman and says “You staring at my girlfriend’s tits mother fucker?”
The climax of the movie is a battle royale between Superman on one side, and Wonder Woman, Hawkman, and Hawkwoman on the other, in which the entire mall is destroyed and hundreds of people are killed. Afterwards, Superman is declared an enemy of humanity by the United Nations. He hides away in the Fortress of Solitude, buried under mounds of credit card bills, wondering why women are such “disloyal bitches”.
In the final scenes, Lois breaks up with Jimmy Olsen. She complains to her girlfriends that “He’s just so boring!” Jimmy cries for the next several weeks and sends Lois 492 texts asking her for “another chance”. In the very last scene, Lois is once again naked and bent over her couch, getting fucked hard by a smiling Batman. The camera slowly zooms in on a wall calendar, and as the screen fades to black, it’s revealed that it’s the same exact date Batman circled four months earlier.