Let me tell you a true story…
A few years ago I was on a first date with a woman, an attractive 40 year-old, who looked like a white Halle Berry. I’ll call her Scarlett.
As I always do on my first dates, I asked her about her past relationship(s), and like most women do, she immediately took off on that topic and started telling me allllllllll about it.
When she was in her early 20’s, she had a serious long-term boyfriend. At around the five-year mark, she discovered he had been doing what most men do. He was cheating on her. So she did what most women do. She dumped him and went on to the next guy.
This “next guy” she married. At about the five-year mark in the marriage, she found out he was cheating. So she got divorced and went on to the next guy.
This third guy she also married. Of course. Why not? Clearly the problem wasn’t with marriage or monogamy or traditional relationships, it was simply because she Hadn’t Found The Right Guy Yet™. See, once you find the right partner, everything works out fine forever. Didn’t you know that?
So guess what happened? Guess what she found out Mr. Right was doing at about five years into the marriage? He was cheating of course. Big shock, I know. So she got divorced yet again, and now she was sitting across from me looking for her fourth guy to Ride In On A White Horse™ and Sweep Her Off Her Feet™ and Take Care Of Her™. (Oh, and impregnate her too. At age 40 she had not yet had any babies and her biological clock was on overload, dying for some sperm.)
The problem was, she now assumed (you guessed it) that all men were liars and cheaters.
So far, very predictable. In her experience the men and herself as a woman were both acting exactly how men and women have been programmed to act for 100,000 years of biological wiring and about 7,000 years of societal programming. But here’s the fascinating thing…
As she went on and on about how all men cheat, all men lie, all men are pigs, yadda yadda, at no point did she ever say anything like:
“I must have some kind of problem, seeing how I keep getting serious with men who cheat on me.”
“I wonder what I must be doing in my relationships to drive the men in my life to cheat.”
“You know, I’ve tried serious monogamy three times now, and it’s never worked. Perhaps another system would work better. Maybe, just maybe, men really aren’t capable of monogamy. Maybe monogamy isn’t what I’ve always been told it was and perhaps I should look at some other options.”
Nope. Nothing like this. At no point in her ranting did she ever acknowledge her involvement in the all of the cheating relationships she had that didn’t work out. It was all “men’s fault”. She was completely innocent.
(As you can imagine, I never called her again because of the no-drama policy I have in my life. However did make out with Scarlett and sucked her wonderful tits in the front seat of her car. I would have gone for the first-date lay but neither of us had the time. Considering her age it would have been extremely unlikely anyway. But I digress.)
I don’t want to pick on just women of course, so I’ll give you the guy-version of this problem.
I have an acquaintance. I’ll call him Rory. He’s a good looking, reasonably confident guy, successful, and women like him. However he’s what I call a Needy Alpha (check the glossary). Every time he gets a new girlfriend he starts doing things like:
- Checks her phone for texts from other men.
- Demands she stops hanging out with her guy friends.
- Demands she removes all pictures from her Facebook that have her and any man in the same shot.
- Reacts with heavy suspicion whenever her phone rings and it’s a man who is not a coworker or family member.
- Gets uncomfortable and suspicious whenever any man posts anything on her Facebook page unless the guy is clearly non-threatening (i.e. very ugly, very old, very fat, etc.)
(By the way, Dear Reader. Does any of the above sound familiar to you? Hm?)
So this is the result of any relationship he gets into: after the first three to five months of the relationship and the honeymoon period ends and the NRE dies down, he always encounters massive resistance and drama from his gal. Every time he dates someone she eventually either fights him on his rules or attempts to sneak around them (and usually gets caught).
Therefore, he is constantly complaining that “all” women are sneaky, deceptive, slutty, and deceitful. He is simply baffled as to why women can’t just be “loyal”, which to him means eternally obedient and complaint to his needy whims.
Of course, whenever he complains about this, which he does often (though he never complains about this directly to me because he knows better), he never even hints that just maybe, just maybe, HE shares the blame for this problem. Nope. He’s doing nothing wrong. It’s all “fucking women’s fault”. He’s completely innocent.
Try something. Think for a minute and answer this question. Have you had the any recurring problem, described in this blog post or not, in at least two of your past relationships? Really think hard on that.
If the answer is yes, guess what?
YOU are the fucking problem. Not “men”, not “women”, not that bitch/asshole you used to date, not your ex husband or ex wife.
Stop complaining and bitching, take a time out, and correct YOU. As Randy Gage has said, “In all your past problems, who was always the same person at the scene of the crime?”
Many times in life you need to have the maturity, the courage, and the strength to admit that YOU are the problem. I’ve had to do this a few times myself over the course of my life and no, it’s not fun. But I promise you it does work once you come to grips with it.
Stop blaming and start working on yourself.