Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land
Not a thing was moving, not even my hand.
My equipment was stowed, my computer, weights and swords,
Awaiting another day with me, emailing chicks by the hordes.
I was nestled in my bed, for the evening retired,
Knowing that very soon, condoms would be required.
My women safely far away, distant as a Christmas elf,
So I could sleep soundly with my favorite person: myself.
When downstairs in my living room there arose such a clatter,
“Son of bitch!” I cried, “What hell’s the matter?”
Up from my bed I flew, screaming my war cry,
Down the stairs I yelled, “Break into my house? Get ready to die!”
I bounded into my living room, pissed off and half asleep,
Determined to make this foolish intruder weep.
The Christmas tree was there, fake and plastic as ever,
I don’t mess with real trees…they’re too much work. See? I’m clever.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But two hot 19 year-old girls, full of holiday cheer!
Dressed in tight red Christmas outfits, decorating my tree,
One of them said, “Would you like a threesome with Britney and me?”
Then a smile did cross my big stupid face,
My anger was gone, but my heart started to race.
But as I approached the gals, I heard a third woman’s voice,
“Wait a minute,” she said, “You have another choice!”
A cute redhead laid on my dining room table,
Perhaps 28 years old, her lips looked quite able.
“You don’t want them,” she said, “They’re little babies!”
“I’m a real woman with real skills, not just rabies.”
Then with a whoop of clucking that only women can do,
All three girls started screaming at each other, total hallaballoo!
I said “See, this is why I don’t have a spouse,
I don’t do drama. All of you, out of my house!”
I walked to my front door to kick the bitches out,
Only to turn with a start, hearing yet another shout.
A gorgeous blonde was there in the hall,
Her tits were like Dolly’s, each one a basketball.
I stared into her eyes, our deep connection made,
Only to realize she was not what she portrayed.
“I’m over 33,” she said, “I have my rates.
If you want to touch these, I need six dinner dates.”
I smiled sweetly, then kicked her ass out the door.
Good luck with that snow, Ms. Golddigging Whore.
I returned to the living room, in a very foul mood,
Only to see all three women on the floor, completely in the nude!
“We kissed and made up,” said the 28 year-old one,
“Now we want YOU to join in the fun!”
“Three women at once,” I said thinking it through,
“That’s at lot even for me, it’s a hell of a lot to screw!”
One 19 year-old said “Oh, you can do it old man,
Then afterwards I’ll make you dinner. And not from a can.”
I smiled and said, “Great. As long as you don’t fry it.
Remember, I’m still on that god damn diet.”
So I leaped into the fray, laughing with glee,
Thanking the good lord I don’t do monogamy.
The entire house shook like an earthquake from God,
And I indeed had a serious Feliz Navidad.
Out in the snow peering in through the glass,
Was chubby Saint Nick! What a smartass.
With a twinkle in his eye he made a huge smile,
And gave me a thumbs up, thinking my efforts worthwhile.
Tossing a new iPad into my chimney, my gift this year,
Me and the girls stopped suddenly when we heard his cheer.
“To men everywhere, Alphas or those still in the fight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”