I have a lot of siblings and just about all of them have spouses or significant others. I was at a family reunion recently and was sitting with just about all of the couples outside at the beach. They started talking about relationships. As is usually the case when normal people discuss relationships my presence, I just kept my mouth shut and rolled my eyes as I listened to all the lies, male neediness, chick logic, one upsmanship, and societal programming.
At one point, one of my sisters asked one of the female in-laws, “So who’s the boss in your relationship?”
Her immediate answer was, of course, “Oh, it’s 50/50.”
I laughed. This was my brother’s live-in girlfriend who ran his entire life like a little Hitler. He’s not even allowed to masturbate and think about other women unless he has a picture of her nearby to use. I’m not making that up. But to her, the relationship was “50/50”.
They started going around and asking everyone who the boss was in their relationship. Guess what? Every single person, man or woman, gave the same answer. “50/50.” The beta provider husband of one of my sisters had a slightly more clever answer. He said he had “51%”. Yeah. Maybe in his dreams.
My family knows me well. They know not to ask me questions about life where they might get unpleasant truths that might ruin everyone’s day instead of what sounds good. However one of my more brave sisters actually bellied up to the challenge. After they chatted on this topic for a bit (me being quiet and smiling the whole time), she finally asked me, “Isn’t your relationship 50/50, BD?”
I almost corrected her in saying it was relationships, plural, but that would get us nowhere fast. I’ve already given an overview of my relationship life to most my family and it always results in either complete confusion or “Cool, but I could never do that.” So instead of explaining it just keep quiet and watch as they get bitched at by their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends.
So my answer was, “No, of course not. None of your relationships are 50/50 either. You’re all full if shit. True 50/50 relationships don’t exist and you all know it.” There was no malice in my words. I said them as I was sitting back, smiling, very comfortable, drinking a glass of water and enjoying the crispy clean ocean air.
The response? Dead silence.
Another live-in girlfriend of another one of my brothers, an attractive fit woman in her mid 40’s who is relatively new and didn’t know me as well as the others, said “Well, I think it really depends on the relationship and on what 50/50 means to each person.”
“Exactly,” I said, smiling sweetly at her utterly predicable feminine answer, “I live in the real world, so I think 50 percent means 50 percent. But you’re female, and deeply in love and emotional, and have an ego to protect, and have all kinds of false societal brainwashing, so you think 50 percent is 90 percent. Or 10 percent. Or 30 percent. Or whatever you want it to be that day. Yeah, I know.” I took another drink of water and looked back out to the ocean.
Her boyfriend (my brother) laughed. She glared at him and he stopped.
They all changed the subject and started taking about something else. I ate a cookie.
I know everyone likes to say they have a 50/50 relationship. It’s what society teaches you to say. That way no one gets butt-hurt by revealing they like to be in relationships with submissive people OR that they themselves are submissive. Everyone wants to be the boss, so the easy bullshit answer is to say “Our relationship (or marraige) is 50/50.” The problem is 50/50 relationships are a myth. They do not exist in the real world.
On the rare occasions where two people actually attempt a 50/50 relationship because they are about equal in dominance levels, they argue so much they break up or one finally throws their hands in the air and says “FINE!” and relents and becomes the more submissive party.
People hate to admit that a lot of human beings LIKE to be the more submissive one. People also hate to admit that many human beings LIKE to be with a person more submissive than they are. I’m talking about men and women both here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one of these things, as long as you’re happy.
Hey, even though it’s not my style, being the more submissive one does hold a lot of appeal. It’s much less stressful and a lot less work. Conversely, being in a relationship with a much more submissive person can be an extremely pleasurable experience. I’ve done it many times.
However in the quasi-socialist, post-baby boomer, post-feminist world, we aren’t allowed to say any of these things. EVERYONE is “the boss”.
Don’t lie to yourself. Find someone compatible with who you are, then structure your relationship in a way that works best for both of you regardless of what society says you “should” have, and be honest about it.
If you’re seriously going to pursue a long-term “50/50” relationship, you might as well pursue buying a unicorn to ride around in your back yard while you’re at it.